Chrometophobia

After two weeks on the farm it was clearly time to go.  When I arrived I was greeted by a total of 4 WWOOFers and I had expected that number to grow, but after one day the number dwindled to 1 and then four days later I was all alone.  Team Germany stayed only two nights and the expected reinforcements did not show up.  I was alone again for two days, digging up banana trees then planting them in new locations.  The work was not unpleasant and I managed to enjoy those days, but it seemed to be time to find something new.  I left the farm two days ago at 5 am and found 3.22 USD per night accommodations in Chang Mai, a city I know fairly well from my lingering with Sophie back in April. I’ve sent emails to a few other WWOOF hosts and I’m waiting to see where the next few days take me.   

I’m anxious about the future, it seems.  On the road, peace of mind is easy.  The answer to my worries is always in the next destination, or lack of one.  But maybe I’m already finished traveling.  I have become tentative and watchful, suddenly worried that if I make new friends, then I’ll end up buying beers I can’t afford.  I find I have little interest in squandering too much of my precious remaining Balance on visiting another beautiful beach.  And every few nights I wake up from varied but thematically connected dreams, each featuring a new, catastrophic miscalculation of my resources and time.  

I notice that I am checking into a guesthouse in Kathmandu and become concerned, knowing that I must get back to Bangkok before my flight leaves.  I check my accounts and find them all empty and realize I must have forgotten to “carry the one”.  I am being lead by a stranger through the winding streets of an unknown city  and I don’t know where we’re going, but I know I’m lost and that I’ll never find my way back.